It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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