he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
