you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
