I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you made out with another girl for some wings
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
