i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
