How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
