why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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