FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
