I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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