she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
