Say something about gay babies.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
