my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
