I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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