that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
