had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
