You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
