i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
