Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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