brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
