You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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