i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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