my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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