new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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