he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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