I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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