When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
