I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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