Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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