I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
