me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
