She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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