I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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