she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
