Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
