go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
