its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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