Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
