I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
