When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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