if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
