Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
