I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Someone shit on the floor
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just puked most of my soul out..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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