No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
