So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
