you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
