Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
