dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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