my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize