But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
