just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
