He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
