i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
