I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
