my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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