Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
