I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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